Balancing the Desire for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
Being a homosexual male approaching 50, I’ve spent numerous, largely enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship which continued for four years, however I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin to date any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, frequently resulting in lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire a partner to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel a bit lost.
Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to handle various forms of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; eventually you might become less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet a person offering a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting what you want completely … and at another point you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in endless speculation is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Try to be present in your relationships, and see the worth of every individual you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to deepen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based therapy professional who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
